Given that there is such a large number of factors to consider when choosing a partner for urself, researchers at SamHub Technologies (ST) have established a link between GUYS, GIRLS, CATS and DOGS to aid mankind. Known as the HOMOFELINOCANINE Relation, or HFC Relations for short, ST has managed to associate the 4 previously immiscible things together under a common relation as seen here. Professor CS Chan (again), Chief Researcher of SamLabs, who deserves most credit for having come up with this HFC Relation, tells SAMedia that "it was many years of careful observation and analysis that had led to this conclusion and NO animals were harmed in the process of experimentation. " He explains that all people, regardless of race, language or our religion, can be classified into two categories, namely the FELINER and the CANINER. "FELINERS are the group of people who prefers CATS. CANINERS are those who prefer DOGS." says Prof. Chan as he goes into the minute details. When asked about those who have no particular preference over either animal, he declared that, "There will be a varying degree of preference, after all, as people will tend to either like or hate one more than the other." SAMedia understands from ST that the HFC Relation is very critical in explaining why some couples can go along very peacefully for a very long time. "It is this Relation that de-mystifies the reason regarding why certain GUYS and GIRLS dont "click!", and why some couples can last so damn bloody long," Dr. Mai Luan Kio, Director of SamLabs, stated in his letter to ST Kinetics. The characteristics of CANINERS, as described by him, are communal, as CANINERS prefer being in groups. "Not withstanding that, CANINERS also are usually outspoken, but their inner-self can be explored by others with ease." Professor You Can Meow, assistant director of SamLabs, indicated to SAMedia when elaborating about the contents of the letter. "Unlike the CANINERS. " Prof. Meow continues, "the FELINERS are equally comfortable being in groups and in isolation, but they need more personal space that CANINERS can do with much less. Some FELINERS may be very outspoken, but their inner-self is, most of the time, hidden from others and it is not easy to get them to reveal this inner-self." From the presentation made at the press conference, SAMedia learned that 80% of the population are CANINERS and that this HFC Relation is derived based upon the observation of the habits and nature of CATS and DOGS and relating it to GUYS and GIRLS. It is a known fact that DOGS are usually seen in packs or groups, while CATS are often found wandering alone and isolated from other CATS. From this fact alone, Prof. Chan successfully drew the HFC Relation and used it effectively to explain that the probability of cliquing well between couples aged 15-35 depends largely on it. Both SamLabs and ST refused to further clarify how it was derived, but it seems that this HFC Relation is proving to be exceeding accurate when ST conducted a survey on some 20,000 students, undergrads, executives and professionals and determined that their preferences match how well they "click!" with their peers. "This is damn fucking chun!" exclaims 302 Ah Kua Ji. "I've never come across any other theory that is so chun before!" His excitement can be comprehended, becos of the 20,000 people surveyed, 53.45% of the CANINERS determined their best buds to be fellow CANINERS while the remaining 46.55% swore by their tails that their best buds are CAT-lovers. However, most of them indicated that they're equally miscible with either one. Similarly for their longest-lasting soulmate, CANINERS polled to be 66.29% having a CANINE-CANINE match while the remaining 33.71% did equally well with their FELINE counterparts. The results for FELINERS are more extreme, with 99.98% of the FELINERS discovering that their longest-lasting soulmate is also a FELINER and 99.56% of their best buds are also FELINERS. This shows that the FELINER-FELINER match has the potential to last VERY LONG and in fact does so in the majority of the cases examined here. Dr Mai indicates that "CANINERS can clique very well with both CANINERS and FELINERS, but it is the FELINER that can clique even better within themselves than fellow CANINERS." This could mean a particular disadvantage to CANINERS as such similarly strong bonds are not as easily formed within themselves than among FELINERS. Dr Mai adds that, "although the CANINE-CANINE match can last, it is often affected by other CANINERS that come in the way, unlike FELINERS, when satisfactorily matched wif a fellow FELINE, is 95.62% of the time un-affected by the presence of other FELINES or CANINES." When asked how this HFC Relation can help mankind, Prof. You simply remarked that "by asking ur partner whether he/she is a CAT/DOG lover, u can tell easily how well u will clique with this person, how close u two will ultimately get and how long u can possibly last." The failures of many CANINE-FELINE relationships, as Prof You claims to be, can be attributed to the fact that the FELINER is being over-exposed to communal lifestyle and is not getting sufficient isolation time for himself/ herself. Although this fact has yet to be firmly established, there are positive signs of this fact being rightfully true as some couples with a CANINE-FELINE component, after devoting some personal time to the FELINER, has experienced a surge in relationship commitment and rejuvenation. "If this can be verified, SamLabs and SamHub Technologies will soon be making another great contribution to mankind," Mr. SAMUEL CHAN, President and Founder of SamHub Inc., declared. SAMedia will petition for the addition of this question "ARE YOU A CANINER OR FELINER?" to all future interviews of famous personalities, so that everyone will be able to make their choice wisely, once again. "With so much that SamHub Technologies has to offer, such as the FISH-PRAWN Relation, the Probability of Breakup Equation, and now the HOMOFELINOCANINE Relation, how can one still possibly make a wrong choice when choosing a partner or soulmate?" Dr. LaM PaH cHeE, associate professor for the BURT (Break- Up Research Team), commented. "People nowadays are spoilt for choice!" SAMedia has stationed itself off SPCA in speculation that people might start coming in packs to adopt a CAT or DOG to observe the HFC Relation themselves. Just be careful not to step on a CAT'S tail.

--extracted from The SamHub Times, SAMedia Publications, dated 250304

Reports have it that a breakthrough was recently achieved in one of SamLab's intensive fields of research relating to BGR. Professor CS Chan, Chief Researcher of SamLabs, a subsidiary of SamHub Technologies, has discovered a new variable that was previously overlooked and re-formulated the equation to be:

Probability of Breakup = [ Edn² x ( $ + Lks ) ] / ( Ln³ - Age ) x 100%
Where:
Edn = Education level of the GIRL
$ = wealth of GIRL
Lks = Looks of the GIRL
Ln = Length of the relationship
Age = Age of the GIRL

This equation established that the probability of a breakup between a couple is directly proportionate to the square of the education level of the GIRL multiplied by the sum of the looks and wealth of the GIRL and further multiplied by a constant. Known as the MASCHAN constant, it is obtained by taking the reciprocal of the cube of the length of the relationship minus the age of the GIRL. Professor Chan remarked that this theory has proven to be correct by the interviewing of an exceedingly large number of GIRLS aged 15-23 and comparing their stories with one another. "This equation incorporates a new variable: the EDUCATION LEVEL of the GIRL." Prof. Chan indicated. "Previous theories and equations were unable to explain certain occurrences becos of the missing variable. The introduction of this variant will remove the mystery regarding why GIRLS run away for no apparent reason." SAMedia goes one step further to understand how the SamLabs Research Team has managed to formulate the equation by exploring this variant from a different prospective and by phasing the future possibility of it occurring into it. The logic goes that as the education level of the GIRL increases, her independence and survivablity increases at the same time. This results in a lesser extent of reliance on the GUY, which in turn boosts his redundancy, thus increases the chances of breaking up. When asked to comment about the equation, Mr Tio Zao Seh, Chairman of the WTC (Woo Tak Chek) gave SAMedia his thoughts. "Educated GIRLS are particularly malicious in this aspect. They have what it takes to be a PLAYER. The brains, the looks. And the money. The 5 'C's no longer appeal to them; becos of their education, the 5 'C's are within their grasp." Mr Tio calls them "E-GIRLS" and contends that these E-GIRLS have the wisdom that other GIRLS lack. "u cannot compare the E-GIRLS with the SPGs. They're of a totally different caliber and are definitely much smarter. At least they know that many an ANG MOH they meet in the pub is just the ordinary Tom, Dick and Harry in the streets of Highbury." He quoted an old saying that "knowledge is power" and hence this explains why the E-GIRLS are so the very powderful. Mr. Bo Sio Sim, President of the SAS puts the blame of our nation's declining birthrate on their shoulders. "Most E-GIRLS relate having KIDS early to compromising themselves. How then, can SINGAPORE rely on these E-GIRLS to tackle the ever-declining birthrate? in no time SINGAPORE will be full of FILIPEENOS, BHANGRAS and CHEENA PR." Considering that GIRLS attain their higher educational status earlier than GUYS, it turns out to be no surprise that the E-GIRLS are the ones initiating the breakup. The reason why GUYS are late runners in this E-GAME is becos they are all being taken away by the shitjob contractor (read: SAF) to do shitjob for the next 28 mths. "The E-GIRLS are very independent," says 2SG Siao Ta Por. "They have careers, their own source of income, and they live their life for themselves. That's pretty selfish." 2SG Siao has had a bad encounter with one of these E-GIRLS. He revealed that he, despite having a stable income and moderately good looks, couldnt hold onto his E-GIRL and she left him for someone else. "She just left like that. I thought we were going on very well. We even made plans to get engaged last October." He recalls. "I couldnt even talk to her, she said needed to have HER life and was having it so happeningly that she decided that it wasnt time to end HER life here with me." Professor Chan carefully analysed his situation and using the re-formulated equation calculated that 2SG Siao's relationship had 98.1562 ± 0.001 % chance of ending abruptly, which it did, anyway. LCP Hok Kien Peng said that to get into a relationship with a E-GIRL is like "surrendering ur life into her hands" becos the she will then muster total control over ur life. He describes this control to be more complete than SINGAPORE's very own Total Defence concept and often it relegates the GUY into a domestic role. Uneducated himself, LCP Hok is not within the arc of fire of many E-GIRLS. "I pretty safe lah," he says, citing all his previous experience with GIRLS to be simple and innocent. "They dun touch me cos i am strategically useless to them." In defence of the E-GIRLS, the GIPAS (Girl is Princess Association of Singapore) and GIQS (Girl Is Queen Society) jointly released a press statement that condemned the findings of SamLabs and the re-formulated equation. They staged a sit-in protest at the carpark in front of SamHub Technologies Tower A, preventing SamHub staff from parking and demanding that SamLabs be taken apart. Professor Chan retorted that the protest was plain "nonsense" and "no heed shd be paid to them". He staunchly defended his cause by making an official announcement via the carpark's PA system. "Why shd we give in?? we've given in so many times liao. This is getting out of hand. They're climbing onto our heads and peeing and shitting on them," Mr. Mai Ke Siao rebuked. "They didnt approve my USMS to mount 4 GPMGs at each corner of the Tower. See lah, now no firepower to deal with this kind of situation." When contacted, Ms Kio Wah Ong, secretary-general of the GIPAS told SAMedia that while she acknowledged that the re-formulation of this equation is indeed a tremendous breakthrough, she saw this as negative development for womankind as a whole and such progress should be halted. "It isnt fair to label all educated GIRLS as E-GIRLS. Admittedly there are some GIRLS out there who mess around with such sensitive stuffs but that doesnt warrant this treatment to all of us. This could alienate a whole lot of GUYS who could in any case end up as our LOVING husbands," Ms Kio promulgated. However, in the Official Statement that was released together in conjunction with the launch of the equation, SamLabs declared that the purpose of this equation is to aid undecided GUYS in making a wiser and more informed decision. This equation is a positive breakthrough in the fields of research of BGR as its use as a breakupmeter can act as pre-emptive system, thus preventing breakups by pre-calculating the probability of it happening beforehand. "Once our patent on the equation is legalised, we will concentrate on incorporating it into the breakupmeter." Professor Chan announced. "u shdnt get into a relationship with any GIRL if u noe that the probability of a breakup is high, as calculated in from the equation. If u get ur arsehole charred becos u ignored the warnings presented in front of u by the breakupmeter, then u deserved to be fried." As security staff are trying to no avail to disperse the growing crowd of E-GIRLS protesters in the carpark, SamLabs researchers are working overtime trying to de-construct the genetic makeup of the E-GIRL in the hope of finding a solution around it. SAMedia will be hanging around in the vicinity to bring u the latest breakthroughs and developments in and around SamHub Technologies Tower A so stay tuned.

--extracted from The SamHub Times, SAMedia Publications, dated 200304

Due to the overwhelming number of bomb-threats and complaints SAMedia has received over the past 2 days since the excerpt from the SamHub Times dated 130304 was published, SAMedia has decided to restate its STAND here and clarify any doubts that might arise hereinafter. A press statement was released only early this morning consisting only of one sentence: WE DO NOT FUCKING CONDONE PRE-MARITAL SEX. In response to all the rotten eggs and tomatoes collected from the artillery barrage, SAMedia has adopted a new LOGO to complement its drive in making KIDS at an earlier age, but not before MARRIAGE. Mr. SAMUEL CHAN, President and Founder of SamHub Inc., was there to grace the unveiling of the new LOGO. In his speech he declared that "[SamHub Inc.] does not encourage courting couples who have yet to tie the knot to start engaging in the process of making babies until they're MARRIED. The new LOGO is to remind all SINGAPOREANS not to engage in PRE-MARITAL SEX, or to base the reason for doing it on making KIDS." His point is so well received among the en masse that plans to erect this LOGO on every lamp post in SINGAPORE is already underway. After the ceremony Mr Chan was last seen exchanging handshakes with Mr Bo Sio Sim, President of the Shotgun Association of Singapore and the Great Venerable Lao He Shang, before silently slipping away unnoticed through a side door of the conference hall with a GIRL who remains unidentified till date.

--extracted from The SamHub Times, SAMedia Publications, dated 140304

The end of the beginning of this everlasting debate about whether "SINGAPOREANS NOWADAYS SHOULD MARRY AND MAKE BABIES AT A YOUNGER AGE" is finally exposing itself bare. SAMedia has discovered that amid rising DIVORCE rates, courting couples are really taking their own SWEET time to TIE THE KNOT, resulting in late MARRIAGES and few childbearing chances. Dr Lan Bo Lat, Associate Professor of the WMLRT (Why Marry Late Research Team) remarked that "with the exponential increase in expenses and standard of living in SINGAPORE, u can be 95.236 ­­± 0.01% sure that 65.123 ± 0.02% of couples below the age of 25 will not register for MARRIAGE." Dr Lan indicated that having KIDS at a later age may seem prudent at first until much later when, according to wat he asserts to be, a "clash of hormones" occurs, where the onset of ur very own MENOPAUSE clashes violently with ur KID's PUBERTY. "It would be disastrous, if not fatal, to have two or more emotionally unstable people living together under one roof." Dr Lan's assertion regarding the "clash of hormones" has been clinically proven correct by Dr Shen Hai Zi, whose underlying research focus mainly on this issue. Dr Shen notes that the current generation of SINGAPOREANS have little or no chance of seeing their GREAT-GRANDKIDS as they all MARRY LATE. In her recent paper Dr Shen states that "if ur GRANDKIDs were to follow in ur KID's footsteps (who, incidentally followed YOUR footsteps) and MARRY LATE, den u might not live to see ur GREAT-GRANDKIDs." She estimates that couples who MARRY LATE tend to conceive around the age of 35 and will manage to make no more than 2 KIDs before expiring. "This is because the GUY's dick has begun to collect its CPF and his SPERMS have lost their STAMINA and SURVIVABILITY that was once their GLORY 15 yrs ago," Dr. Shen claims. "It's all the CHENG WOO's fault. They've made everything so expensive that the expenses incurred for raising KIDS can no longer break even with the potential for them to pay out worthy and profitable dividends in the future." Her comment has gained tremendous support among many SINGAPOREANS as all begin to point their finger towards the CHENG WOO for all these unforseen circumstances that are only beginning to see light now. "See lah, all the GARMEN fault," exclaimed Mrs Jin Kiang Xni, mother of 5 chubby KIDs. "They loh, say wat dun make more than 3 lah, SINGAPORE no place to store all the excess KIDS. After the 3rd one dun wan to give EDUSAVE somemore. Now u see lah, regret liao lah, not enuff KIDS to fill SINGAPORE liao loh!" She proudly tells SAMedia that she has intentionally gone against the CHENG WOO's policy and is glad that she has fulfilled her duty. "The dunno-which-minister that day just say rite? SINGAPOREANS less and less liao, now all FILIPEENO, BHANGRA, and CHEENA PR. Super declining birthrate." To be very sure that SINGAPORE is experiencing a crisis in its declining population, SAMedia calculated the minimum number of KIDS every couple must produce to maintain the population level. It is tantalising to re-discover that the CHENG WOO's very own "Two is enough" policy has once again misfired in all directions and by now is causing severe fatalities. "The minimum number of KIDS per couple must make is 2.2 (I'm not making up this number, it's a FACT) and the CHENG WOO only encourages two. That's 0.2 KIDS per couple lower than the required minimum," says Dr. Jin Juay Kia, Director of the PFMO (PLEASE FUCK MORE OFTEN). "Considering that most SINGAPOREANS refuse to 1. get MARRIED 2. have KIDS 3. have MORE KIDS, it is virtually impossible for the CHENG WOO to halt the declining birth rate." PFMO researchers have singled out MONEY as being the main culprit and TIME as the assistant. Dr. Jin reinforces his team's conclusions by quoting recent media reports about the CHENG WOO whining over the ever low birth rates and unsuccessfully pleading stubborn SINGAPOREANS to fuck more often. "Last time pple make so many KIDS, now all of them going to become old liao, nobody to take care of them, so POOR THING," Mr Wah Lao Liao, 62, a retired civil servant, said. "LIMPEH maybe die in my FLAT also nobody know ah.... sigh.... " Great Venerable Lao He Shang of the Leumas Temple at GOR BEH LOR lamented that it is an abomination not to make KIDS. Venerable Lao says, "gfE$^jyy @SFGbba51 @$#qwe ..0mna%& +fev ewbr jnua3434, agn8ua husq 5hs## ~!CSFg FB." SAMedia was totally lost here until his disciple Bo Jiak Zhay translated the old Venerable's words. "My Master says that it is a great SIN to break the natural cycle of mankind. Each person's utmost duty here on earth is to ensure the survival of his own species." Young monk Bo added, "Whoever breaks this sacred cycle would be going against Heaven's wishes and He will be punished during reincarnation. Heaven gave each of us a PENIS or a VAGINA for a purpose, and it is a SIN not to materialise them fully." While many SINGAPOREANS are already deeply sunk in SIN (as prophesised by Venerable Lao), a certain grp of young SINGAPOREANS are showing positive signs of going against trend. They have formed the SAS (SHOTGUN ASSOCIATION of SINGAPORE) to encourage young SINGAPOREANS to MARRY and make KIDS early. Mr Bo Sio Sim, Founding Member and Acting President of the SAS, gives SAMedia an insight to why making KIDS early is a wise choice. Mr Bo says: "Young SINGAPOREANS are best at aiding the CHENG WOO in tackling the declining birthrate because the urge and the hormones are most POWERFUL at this time. Did u notice anything special about the IPPT (NAPFA) passing standards? It rises continually from the age of 12 all the way to 18 before hentak-kaki-ing at 19 and then decreasing after 20. This transalates to the human body being at its PEAK or FITTEST at the age of 18 and 19." A quick reference made to the IPPT page on the spot gives credence to Mr. Bo's claims. "So why choose to make babies at 35?" Mr Bo retorted. "Age 35 is already CAT Z for IPPT liao loh!" The SAS Executive Committee, in assuming that the HEALTHIEST babies are made when the GIRL is at her FITTEST, is radically campaigning for support to its cause. "The GAHMEN dun wan unfit babies also mah rite?" Ms Wah Wu Liao, Chief Spokeswoman for the SAS revealed. "Take a good look at the KIDS now in primary school. WALAO! SO FAT! Unhealthy leh!" According to Ms Wah, the link between unfit fat KIDS born to old parents and fit KIDS to young parents is clearly seen here. The higher incidence of OBESITY in the majority of the current batch of primary school KIDS can be entirely attributed to the parents. Novice Researcher Mr Pui Bo Ho of the PFMO quoted the point from Dr Shen of the WMLRT that "becos old couples are unable to conceive more KIDS, they naturally feed their only KID with everything they have planned and saved for 2 or 3." He also highlights that making KIDS early is the only way to ensure that u can live to see ur GREAT-GRANDKIDS. "If ur lucky u might even get to meet ur GREAT-GREAT-GRANDKIDS." Mr Pui remarked. This turns out to be no surprise as most SINGAPOREANS have already stopped working like bulls and horses (cho gu cho beh) and can all expect to witness the rise in life expectancy of the average person. SAMedia is already en route to the REGISTRY of MARRIAGES in speculation that there would be a surge in the number of SHOTGUNS after this article is published. Don't be all too surprised when the good old times of ur uncle or aunt being younger than u comes back to reminisence.

--extracted from The SamHub Times, SAMedia Publications, dated 130304

Some old sayings may be totally wrong, just like this one: bo hee hay ma ho (no fish prawn also good). used to describe a situation when u cant get the best thing available, u settle for something less, but sadly, weight for weight PRAWNS cost more than FISH. So why classify PRAWNS as a substitute? In fact, SAMedia has made a shocking discovery that most pple actually commit more to their PRAWNS than their FISHES. The reason behind: PRAWNS cost more than FISH. So is it true that the secret to an everlasting relationship is to settle for something lesser? Despite the foul weather, SAMedia specially made a trip down to the wholesale market to interview some fishmongers. Among those we interviewed, Mr Diao Da Yu, 35, tells SAMedia that it is easier to rear PRAWNS because a PRAWN cost less than a FISH. Mr Diao says, "the PRAWN uh, u no need to feed so much mah rite? u study in the wat bye-yo-lor-gee rite, the PRAWN eat the wat PLANKTON den grow big one mah, cheaper, not like the FISH, must feed and must change water every now and then, very troublesome." So the analogy was drawn here, as Dr Hay Kah Ho, Senior Researcher of the NAC (National Aquarium Center), proudly exclaims. When asked to comment, Dr Hay says, "Here u can clearly see the link between FISHES and PRAWNS to GIRLS. It is more common for GUYS to go for the PRAWNS rather den head right straight for their DREAM GIRL becos the expectations are not as high." His colleague, Dr Mai Jiak Hee, agrees with Dr Hay, but adds that, "Often a GUY does not have the balls to go ask his DREAM GIRL directly, so they will go and ask their PRAWN to help them, but not surprisingly most of the time the plan falls through and the GUY and his PRAWN become closer as a result." Dr Mai also puts forward his own theory, formulated after 20yrs of painstaking research: "Usually the PRAWN has better qualities than the FISH herself, only waiting to be uncovered, and not so many fishing hooks are lying in bait for the PRAWN. Incidentally, most FISHES happen to be just a crush that fades away as time passes by. But more often than not, the GUY is more assimilated to associating himself with the PRAWN than the FISH till such a point that the process of fishing becomes insignificant." Mr Sah Ting Yu and Ms Xia Ye Hao, who are due to get married this May, holds testimony to Dr Mai's theory. Mr Sah recalls, "That time my DREAM GIRL was some Ms Guan Tou Yu from Ms Xia's class. So i enlisted her help to get to know Ms Guan loh, but who noes i got rejected and then our relationship ended up flourishing." Ms Xia herself explains that becos the result is often not as gratifying as the process, hence it is very easy to sway from the original objective. SAMedia discovers that when the facts are summed up, it appears that SINGAPOREANS are no longer concerned about getting number one. As quoted from Dr Bo Liak Hay, Head Professor of the INO (Institute of Number One), "It seems like the CLAY AIKEN effect has got into their heads. Number 2 actually pays off better dividends than the champion. But the worse is yet to be." Dr Bo is more afraid that the WILLIAM HUNG (Holy Cow!) effect might override everything and pple start choosing HAY BEEs (PRAWN RICE) instead of PRAWNS. "The world will be in a mess! Everything will be turned upside down!" Fortunately for everyone, the WILLIAM HUNG effect is still not so powderful. (Thank God) SAMedia estimates that 82% of all couples are actually PRAWN and PRAWN matches. This could explain why their relationships can last so long. But it all boils down to a natural, stress-free and comfortable setting that will make any relationship last. "Only the PRAWN-PRAWN match satisfies this requirement." says Dr Hay. "No unrealistic expectations, no hidden costs, no undue stress and no strings attached. This is actually wat makes a relationship so everlasting." SAMedia hopes that there will not be too many LIANG SHAN BO & ZHU YING TAI butterflies flying around everywhere and advises all those who go fishing to use a fishing net instead of a fishing rod, as u might scoop up some PRAWNS unintentionally and begin a new chapter of ur life unknowingly.

--extracted from The SamHub Times, SAMedia Publications, dated 100304