In this festive season, SAMedia Publications will be heading in a different direction!

This decision was made by the Chief of Staff of SAMedia Services at the SamHub AGM held at SamHub Tower Foxtrot yesterday. The Media Relations Department then quickly drafted a letter, signed by Director Mr Samuel CHAN and released it to the press.

Below is the letter from Director SamHub Inc, SAMedia Services:

(click on the letter to enlarge)


--extracted from the SamHub Times, SAMedia Publications, dated 261204

In the latest media blitz, the National Council Against Longevity Abuse (NACALA) has renewed its attack on the CHENG WOO's policy of adding years to life and targeted to convey the evils of living a long life to health freaks who insist on consuming char kway teow without salt and sugar cane juice without sugar.

At the inauguration ceremony of the new NACALA campaign titled "Be fair to yourself", Chairman Mr Taek Am See indicated to SAMedia that health freaks are the newest threat to society, and should be either forcefully vindicated or educated. He expressed particular concern about the worldwide population explosion and the effects of an ever-increasing average lifespan.

"It is not correct to try to live so long," said Mr Taek, citing scientific evidence which indicated that the human body was not designed to function properly beyond half a century. "If you live more than fifty years, you are probably consuming more food, water, oxygen, healthcare, and possibly backstabbing more people than you should," Mr Taek added.

Mr Taek argued that these additional resources that health and longevity freaks selfishly consume could be diverted to more productive and efficient use in developing countries to exponentially boost the survival rate. He commented that by this act of deprivation health and longevity freaks are "cranking the 'wheel of poverty', inspiring fundamentalism and terrorism."

Sources report that the latest NACALA campaign was directed to encourage all to eat good food, suffer less, fuck more, play hard, and enjoy life to the max. Its launch poster, depicting a picture how life treats all unfairly, has stirred up controversy within the population, causing an influx of complain and complimentary letters to the press.

The controversy boiled over the brim when Mr Taek made an explanatory speech regarding the launch poster during the inauguration ceremony yesterday. He specifically stated that no matter how you decide to live your life, it still treats you unfairly. He later clarified that he was referring in particular to the recent spate of fatal motor accidents, MRT platform falloffs, and the sale of cigarettes to minors.

In an analogy which he made, Mr Taek described a health freak who ate tasteless healthy food, took health supplements, exercised daily and lived to the age of 100. He compared the amount of pain, suffering and backstabbing this health freak would have to go through to another person ate and did anything he liked and lived life to the max and collapsed and died after being struck by lightning while struggling to pass IPPT.

This analogy reportedly left many people who attended the ceremony dumbfounded. Having realised how foolishly their lives has been so far spent, they went out preaching the evils of living a long life.

Mr Pah Pia Ong, distribution manager of a MLM company, declared that he has "seen the light" after hearing the speech. "In the past, I work so hard to earn money," said Mr Pah, with tears of regret rolling down his eyes. "But for what? It certainly didn't occur to me that I was forcing myself to suffer without any guarantee of future liberation."

Ms Beh Chia Lor said she finally understood that "the longer you live the more your suffer." Health freak Ms Chia Por Yoh commented that she finally saw that taking health supplements and eating healthily was simply a form of torture disguised. "It didn't occur to me that after spending so much money trying to maintain my health, my odds of meeting with a tragic end wasn't any much less than anyone else."

NACALA employees were reportedly seen distributing "Be fair to yourself" pamphlets at strategic locations, prompting a massive increase in sale of junk food and condoms, much to its surprise. "We didn't expect the message to be so effective," said Ms Ann Quan Tao, who was interviewed by SAMedia. "I guess people finally started using their brains to think, instead of their arses," Ms Ann added.

Information derived from the NACALA website seemed to justify why life wasn't worth living beyond fifty years, however shit it may appear to be. Authored by Dr Chin Pai Mia, Chief Researcher of the Don't Live Too Long Soceity (DOLITOLS), the page registered 159,889,543 hits when SAMedia Publications visited it earlier today. More hits are expected.

Interestingly, the NACALA campaign unintentionally offended a group of senile citizens pushing for the legalisation of euthanasia. At its headquarters off Geylang Lor 666, NACALA staff were instructed to remain alert against any senile citizen who approach the building with a syringe in one hand and a will in the other.

--extracted from The SamHub Times, SAMedia Publications, dated 151204

The recent infanticide case concerning a 16-yr old girl who threw her newborn kid down her flat has instigated a widespread outbreak of copycat killer litter cases throughout the island.

Items found below many HDB void decks include more infants, condoms, cigarette butts, lottery tickets, parachute slings, and the occasional flower pot.

Inspector Tiew Lar Chi said that although the CHENG WOO has been explicitly suppressing the media from reporting this case, there was still a dramatic surge in killer litter cases islandwide.

"Many people believe that as long as the item they throw out is not a flower pot, HDB will not confiscate their flat," said Insp Tiew, looking at the pile of debris. "Police have erected thousands of 24-hr spycams throughout the neighbourhood to catch anyone who ejects anything out of their windows."

The 16-yr old girl, who cannot be named to protect her identity, will not be facing the murder charge as psycharists determined her to be in an unstable mental state at the point of committing the offence. However, HDB indicated that the flat will still be confiscated for killer litter.

Residents living on lower floors have expressed concern about the litter. Some have even constructed nets to prevent more deaths from happening. Others have dug into the ground and filled them with water, creating a series of mini-lakes throughout the neighbourhood.

Mr Chee Choo Wang, a retiree who lives on the ground floor, erected a 49sq m net outside his flat to catch more newborns. Mr Chee proudly told SAMedia that his net rescued another three infants before the desperate single mothers migrated to a nearby block without nets to ensure kills.

The SAF is considering paying residents to continue maintaining the nets even after the infanticide spree is over, as they provide excellent camouflage from enemy air reconnaisance. However, the Ministy of Environment yesterday ordered the filling up of all mini-lakes as they are suspected of breeding the aedes mosquito.

The Singapore Casket reported a fifty-fold increase in demand for baby coffins. Casket shares closed a record high of $7.23 at the ST Index today, up $5.40 from $1.83 yesterday. The last time Casket shares gained so much in a day was immediately after the Bali bomb blast.

Several social organisations have stepped forward to provide assistance to these girls. Ms Mayah Binte Limaia, full-time counsellor at the Befrienders of Desperate Single Mothers (BDSM) told SAMedia that young girls who find themselves pregnant and dumped need alot of support, counselling and encouragement.

"Young girls driven into desperation will often do irrational things," said Ms Mayah, herself a single mother. She indicated that with proper guidance, single mothers can still make it big in society. "Just like the Singapore Idol finalist Maia Lee."

However, SamLab Technologies Neurotics (STN) Professor Tao Nao Pai commented that the girls themselves are at fault for the irresponsible behaviour and should be duly shot for committing such heinous crimes. "No one forced them to fuck around," said Prof Tao. "And the fucking loophole in the law regarding abortion still exists."

Meanwhile in Parliament ongoing debates are flaring up. Opposition party leader Mr Chiam Buay Tong renewed his attack on the government's policy of procreation, saying that it encouraged teens to fuck around the place and was the root of the infanticide problem. Sources report that most MPs are divided on the issue implementing compulsory procreation for convicted teenage juveniles.

In other news, the increased demand for monks to "liam keng" and de-santicise the infanticide sites has reportedly led Dong Dong Cheng Ltd to set up a 24hr toll-free hotline (1800-SONGKHA) providing immediate songkha service anywhere in Singapore. Rates range from $888 for a quickie to $13,888 for full service that includes the installation of a 100sq m net.

--extracted from the SamHub Times, SAMedia Publications, dated 021204