Becos of this stupid slow idiotic friendster thingy, everyone who reads this will be inclined to say, "SINGAPORE is damn small lah! I also dunno his fren is my fren’s fren and her dog happens to be my cat’s 1st boyfren!" (dun deny it, YOU did say that at some point to someone) And so it has been proven that SINGAPORE is so goddamn small again, as Dr. Wah Bo Lui of the B.U.R.T. says. "Not very big lah... if everyone in INDONESIA piss den SINGAPORE will be flooded. Or if everyone in CHINA shits and SINGAPORE will be buried under 100m of shit." Or so they say. But is SINGAPORE really that small? 3SG Lee Buay Kan, whose GIRL is safe in his hands [becos the ORD-personnel in her course are sparse and spastic, remember?] says, "ur arse lah, u think SINGAPORE very small issit? Try doing ops duty in JURONG ISLAND lah! sit on bus until ur arsehole grow flower ah!" His sorrow is shared by many of the sai kang warriors (nsf) currently serving time in PULAU TEKONG and SUNGEI GEDONG, as well as the GIRLS studying in NTU. "SINGAPORE where got small?? Try navex in LIM CHU KANG lah! Walk until u die also haben find checkpoint ah!" says LCP Lan Jiao Peng. "the CHENG WOO bluff us lah, they say SINGAPORE very small no land, but LIM CHU KANG and MANDAI there so many trees, where got no land?" his reasoning is however, rebutted by 2LT Kar Kar Cheong. In his well presented thesis, he states that, "sai kang warriors who have yet to go to ROC do not actually realise the relative small size of SINGAPORE" (Kar,2003). When asked to comment on 2LT Kar’s thesis, his professor, Dr. Lam Pah Chee said, "Everything is relative right? if i were to compare my dick with yours, mine will certainly be bigger without doubt." He was quoting from wat Dr. Albert Einstein had concluded many years ago. Not surprisingly, Mr Kah Nee Nah of the IFR puts forward a different perspective. He agrees with everyone in that SINGAPORE is goddamn small and that friendster is goddamn slow, but his team has shown that it is the VELOCITY at which we all travel that affects the psychological image projected by our mind. Ms Bo Beh Zao, team leader of the SSRT (Small Singapore Research Team) proudly presents her results: "the average speed of the travelling singpaorean is 23.165243 km/h, which means that in one hour u will cover 23km, 165m, 24cm and 3mm, but this is calculated by neglecting the presence of all built up area and rivers and obstacles and all the bloody irritating ang-chnee huays (traffic lights) that the GOVERNMENT has erected throughout the island. Hence by travelling at 23.165243km/h, everyone in SINGAPORE will feel that SINGAPORE is damn small, because that speed is damn slow." SAMedia has conducted a test to verify Ms Bo’s assertions, and found that true enough, the average speed of the travelling singaporean is indeed 23.165243km/h. SAMedia also discovered that the fallacy about SINGAPORE being so damn bloody small can be attributed to the fact that roads in SINGAPORE meander worse than the spaghetti in my pasta and that singaporeans are hopeless navigators. This probably sums up that we should all start to call for the TAXI(s) to chauffeur us to our destinations so that we all can contribute our part towards strengthening the economy. Or we can sit back relax and wait for the CHENG WOO to construct an unmanned train service to bring me to JURONG ISLAND straight from my house.

-- extracted from SamHub Times, SAMedia Publications. dated 280104

Statistics have shown that close to 95% of all break-ups between couples aged 17-21 is due to the GIRL. SAMedia reports that a large proportion of break-ups came about when the GIRL succumbs to temptation in university (mainly NUS and NTU) from the ORD-personnel. Researchers have found that ORD-personnel are generally richer, more mature, got car can drive, and have much more time and energy on hand than non ORD-personnel to spend on the GIRL. As quoted from Dr. LaM PaH cHeE, associate professor for the BURT (Break- Up Research Team), "ORD-personnel have been deprived of what they rightfully deserve for 2yrs and 4 months. Therefore, it turns out to be no surprise that they give no second thought to committing himself to a GIRL, even if she is attached to some poor soul suffering in the SAF." He also adds that some, if not most of these ORD-personnel have experienced the same thing when they were still non ORD-personnel. "It could be this thought of revenge that spurs them on," comments Dr. Lam. The other professor, Dr. Wah Bo Lui, agrees with Dr. Lam but has his own theory to prove. Says Dr. Wah: "GIRLS are emotional creatures, and they need to be cared for and loved. Hence the absence of the GUY results in a weakness in the GIRL's heart, which, if another GUY, especially the ORD-personnel, comes along and gives the GIRL what she needs at that moment, the GIRL will defect, even though she still loves the GUY alot." A substantial number of non ORD-personnel have fiercely supported Dr. Wah's theory. They recently held a parade in Pulau Tekong protesting against the GIRLS and chanting "WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO WRONG THIS TIME". While some analysists dismissed the parade as being extremist, they remarked that it is a vicious cycle that will never end until the GOVERNMENT does something about it. As Mr. Kar Nee Nah, top analysist at the IFR (Institute of Failed Relationships), puts it bluntly: " Unless the CHENG WOO lets them ORD within 4 months of enlistment, you can be sure that 95% of them will experience a failed relationship." However, 3SG Lee Buay Kan, told SAMedia, that he was doing very fine with his GIRL and he has no enemity with the ORD-personnel. "I'm going to become a ORD- personnel soon! And my GIRL is still with me." exclaimed 3SG Lee. Critics say that 3SG Lee is the minority and tabloids report that 3SG Lee's GIRL is in a course where the ORD-personnel are sparse and spastic. "In the end, it is the GUY who get hurt." says Mr. Bo Lan Jiao. "They put in so much and this is what they get. It is really not worth it." Mr. Bo advises all BOYS reaching the age of 17 not to get into a relationship and wait patiently till they ORD. "Why give first when you can take as much as you can after you ORD?" His point has been ignored by many BOYS though. Mr. Bo says, "At that age, the desire and need for the GIRL is overpowering. You really cant blame them. Ulitmately, everyone will grow up." Everyone at SAMedia just hope that time flies faster and everyone grows up.

-- extracted from SamHub Times, SAMedia Publications. dated 020104