It has once again come to SAMedia's attention that majority of the couples here have extremely opposing looks.

After squatting outside the Heeren Shops for hours one fine saturday afternoon, SAMedia agents counted 153 'extra-ordinarily normal' guys attached to girls of above-average looks and 224 'more-than-perfectly normal looking' girls holding hands with a guy comparable to Cristiano Ronaldo, out of a total of 400 couples who strolled past the DBS ATM unknowingly.

This seemingly weird initmate connection between the 2 sexes remains mysteriously mysterious until Ms Kinky Ong of the HPS (Hankie-Pankie Society) explained that it was for "security reasons" that the yandao-est yandao choose the ugliest girl as his partner and that the chioest chiobu choose the ugliest guy as her partner.

"The yandao always scared competition mah, there are so many pirated Tom Cluises around, if he take the chiobu then she might run away wif the other 'chiong' products rite," said Ms Ong. She was mainly referring to the point that the more-than-perfectly normal-looking girls are generally contented and satisfied with what their luck and fate had brought for them. "For these girls, they're safe, as they are always exclusively excluded from this competition."

The reasoning for girls is not as simple as for the guys. Ms Ong continues to explain that "the girl's greatest fear is that the yandaos there are out on a screwing spree. And, in addition to adding to their statistics, screwing chiobu(s) gain them bonus pts," added Ms Ong, immediately adopting a defensive stand.

What a stab in the back for guys who look like Josh Harnett. Like how the Vice-President of SamHub Inc Mr S A Muel said, "It's not our fault that Josh had to look like us right?"

How true.

SAMedia agents actually had the chance to poll two couples about this question. The first couple who accepted interview, Mr Woshi Zuikeaide, 23, has an uncanny resemblance of Hidetoshi Nakata while his girl, Ms Bakjiu Tatsai, 19, is often mistaken for Hsu Chun-mei from far. Both met while they were in high school back in Japan.

Said Mr Zuikeaide, "I choose Ms Tatsai as my beau because the pretty ladies back in Japan are either all attached to the ugliest guys or they're moonlighting as porn stars." Ms Tatsai told SAMedia discreetly that she could not turn down Mr Zuikeaide's proposal as she was getting a million times more than what she had requested for. "No waite ne, watashi taker him furst..."

The other couple that SAMedia interviewed was Mr Seow Tah Por and Ms Cha Bor Young. Mr Seow sincerely believes his long lost twin brother is William Hung because he sings like him. "My mother told me she gave away my twin brother at birth because she couldnt afford twins. Now that I know who he is, I must acknowledge him!" Mr Seow declared with lots of pride.

Mr Seow was smacked in the head by Ms Cha as he barely completed his sentence. "Nabeh! u want to eat kimchi for the whole month issit?" shouted Ms Cha, who also believes she has a long lost twin sister by the name of Jeon Ji-Hyun. When asked why she had chosen Mr Seow as her boyfriend, she replied, "he ah, kind loh.. caring, like that loh.. he wont run away with other girls. HE DOESNT DARE." said Ms Cha while staring wide-eyed at Mr Seow.

While it seems like it is a normal occurence that the extremities between facial features of each sex exist for all their reasons, Ms Mabel Lin of Maplelin Cosmetics best expresses it using one word: MAKE-UP. "With make-up, any ugly duckling can become THE cinderella! It's the modern day fairy godmother's stick!" quoted Ms Lin. SAMedia agrees with Ms Lin.

Make-up does does wonders.

--extracted from The SamHub Times, SAMedia Publications, dated 270604

Things are not as simple as it seems. While many would agree both hands up that NS is a complete waste of time, it does not necessarily signify that many of us are not patriotic. SAMedia has discovered that many a times Singaporeans are forced to be in the state they're in by their State. Trapped in a world that does not belong to them, we have little choice.

"It must be remembered that wherever else we can migrate to in this world, we will forever be treated as 2nd-class citizens." Said a Minister, whose name the SAMedia reporter has forgotten to take down. This errant reporter will be made to sign 3 x Extra. "Call it discrimination, but welcome to the real world. You will only receive 1st class citizen treatment in your home country, and no where else."

Is this true? "Partially," commented Mr Zoutou Wulu, financial assistant of the SamHub Banking Corporation (SHBC). When asked to elaborate further, Mr Zoutou would not say anymore other than "if u migrate elsewhere confirm u will be treated like a 2nd class citizen. Wait, one of u might just be from the ISD. I dun wanna go jail for saying something i shdnt be saying at all."

Many that SAMedia interviewed gave similar answers: MONEY. Among the many replies include "Singapore very expensive leh", "Living standard too high liao", "Very stressful", "Education standard getting worse", etc are just some of the more common ones. Indeed if one were to take a closer look, it will not take anyone too long to discover that Singapore is indeed the most expensive place on earth to live in, way beyond Japan.

"Actually, if you were to compare, the prices are cheaper here than in Oklahoma," indicated Professor Boey Tak Lui, Advisor for the Money All Spent (MAS). "I'm sorry, I meant, Osaka, not Oklahoma." Prof Boey corrected. "We have hard evidence to disprove the claim that Singapore is the most expensive country in the world to live in."

Professor Boey's claim was hastily disproved in unison by everyone whom SAMedia polled. We swear its plain coincidence, but everyone we polled said the same sentence: "LAN JIAO LAH, NO MONEY OK? WE'RE EARNING PEANUTS!"

This is surprising, considering that the Singapore Dollar (SGD) is not the strongest currency in the world. Are we really earning peanuts? Or are things just so fucking expensive? No one seems to be able to give a concrete answer, other than all the shitjob labourers (NSF) working for the shitjob contractor (SAF).

This brings us back to the question, are Singaporeans no patriotic? Or are we just loyal to money and money only? Realistic? Materialistic? Nationalistic? Capitalistic? Just like how CPL Lan Jiao Peng from 999SIR put it, "We fucking cheong so hard for the Nation, wat do we get in return? Learn nothing, get paid peanuts, and still have to see my girl run away with other guys while i cannot do anything. Fair anot, u say?"

His point is applauded by the majority of shitjob labourers, other than the shitjob labourer supervisor (Officer, or Orcifer, or chocolate bar, etc.) who are paid slightly better. At least they get the peanut shells. "2½ yrs leh, bloody waste of time." Said Mr Oh Ah Dee, who has just collected his pink IC. "Now that I become bloody civilian again, wat am I to do now? Find job?"

Mr Oh is one of the more unfortunate misguided souls who fell victim to Singapore's political, education and economic policies. "I'm not like the other Air Level pple, I cannot go into NUS/ NTU to break other girls heart, so how?" said a dejected Mr Oh, staring aimlessly at his Certificate of Serivce (COS). "This is a testimony to the 2½ yrs that I have wasted working for the shitjob contractor while being paid peanuts. What's next for me?"

The GIRLS are finally having the last laugh this time round. They are not required to sacrifice 2½ yrs of their life unproductively, and by it gaining an unfair 3-yr headstart in life. In exactly the words Mr Oh used, "being a GIRL is shiok. Unless of course, if u are ugly, then blame heaven for your fate."

SAMedia understands from Mr Oh that its easier to be a GIRL in Singapore than be a GUY. He states that, if u are a GIRL, "one, u are already covered by the Women's Charter." Mr Oh was speaking with reference to an earlier incident when a GUY was groped in the balls by a GIRL and had practically no defence rights in court until an ATM CCTV caught the act on tape and had him accquitted.

"Two, if u have any of the 5 B(s), u will be leading a good life." Mr Oh indicated that by the 5 Bs he meant BOOBS, BLOWJOB, BUTTOCKS, BODY and BRAIN. He continued to elaborate that by having any one or more of the abovementioned qualities, "it would have been exceptionally easy to get a living as these qualities are forever in demand." SAMedia Board of Cuts and Censors has decided that his further elaboration on this topic is not suitable for publication and hence took the snip.

Back to Mr Oh, as he mentions his third point that, "it is possible for a GIRL to transform herself into a SPG overnight and get some angmoh to feed her." He pointed out that both the pound and the euro are stronger than the SGD hence the average Tom Dick and Harry in Boat Quay is technically richer than the average Seng Beng and Meng in Bedok Jetty. "They were saying the angmoh's treat them nicer and have bigger ahem.. u know.." added Mr Oh.

Upon hearing these, Ms Kio Wah Ong, Secretary-general of the GIPAS (Girl Is Princess Association of Singapore) accused Mr Oh of being sexist. "We GIRLS have to carry YOUR baby for NINE FUCKING MONTHS ok!" screamed Ms Kio. However, Mr Oh calmly replied, "It's the kettle calling the pot black. Who asked u to eat the apple?" After some initial confusion, SAMedia realised that Mr Oh was referring to Adam and Eve in the Bible.

"Eve was tempted by the serpent and ate the whole apple," said Mr Oh, while trying desperately to refer to the bible. "As u can see, Eve ate the entire apple, and then proceeded to persuade Adam to try the Forbidden Fruit. Adam took only a bite, then realised he wasnt supposed to eat it then tried to spit it out, but instead choked on it. That's why all GUYS have the adam's apple in their throat. As for Eve, she ate the whole apple, and must be punished for that. That's why GIRLS have periods every month to remove the remains of the apple. Havent u realised they're of the same color?"

Quite logical, but none of the male staff at SAMedia has ever seen it, nor made any effort to, anyway.

"At the end of the day, its the GIRLS who gain," remarked CPL Lan, while polishing the personal-issue SAR21, his new girlfriend. "The moment we start work, we have to work till the day we collect our CPF. As for the GIRLS, they go out into the REAL WORLD, mess things up there, then find a nice GUY and start convincing him that she is the PERFECT GIRL for him. And if he falls for it... well..."

Will wonders ever cease? or will dreams come true? Or are we just special in a special way, just like how Mr Zoutou quoted: "Singapore is the only place in the world where COE exists."

--extracted from The SamHub Times, SAMedia Publications, dated 110604

The conclusion of the first POLL of SAMedia Publications revealed partially surprising results. The POLL, which lasted 50days, opened on 11 APR 2004 and ended on 31 MAY 2004, with a total of 50 votes collected, averaging approximately one vote per day, rain or shine. Here are the results:

ANALYSIS COURTESY OF SAMLABS

It seems that SINGAPORE is either on its way to extinction, or many future SINGAPOREANS are going to be illegitimate.

It is clearly seen that many SINGAPOREANS do enjoy and engage in the process of procreation frequently. Dr Jin Ho Pia, associate professor of the Xerud Laboratories (XL) says, "We have proved that the Durex surveys are wrong; SINGAPOREANS definitely do it more than 96 times a year. I believe many other overseas attempts have not been taken into account." He also argues that Singaporeans all are "spoilt for choice", considering that SINGAPORE is a "multi-racial society".

However, apart from seemingly just enjoying the process of procreation, SINGAPOREANS again revealed their REALISTIC selves when the 2nd highest count of the POLL happens to be a total ignorance of the GOVT's pleas. "Many people would rather make kids at their own pace than heed any of the GOVT's advice," retorted Mr X, proposer for the NSf scheme, who still did not wish to be named. "Hence, it is necessary for the GOVT to implement such drastic measures if something is to be done to curb the declining birthrate."

His team is fiercely campaigning for their proposal to be put into place. It was reported that the group's latest target audience are those who are hanging on the border, unable to make a decision between obeying the GOVT or obeying MONEY or obeying themselves. Although this group constitutes only a small share of the pie, their alliance to any side could change weightings drastically.

And wanting to be heard finally, a small group of senile pple out there have cast votes to announce their presence. SAMedia Publications would like to thank this group of barren supporters for their continued support and hope that they will continue to help fight the declining birthrate with whatever option still open to them.

While trying to get over the senile craze, SAMedia discovered that the other interesting option selected in the POLL was that people finally realised that it took two hands to clap. Perhaps "I cant do it alone" should be the theme for Romancing Singapore 2004.

Not forgetting those who fucking hate kids, and those who are struggling with pacifers. But how young is too young?

Without fail the usual MONEY concerns are also present. Should the financial responsibility of procreation rest on the GOVT's shoudlers? Mr Quic Kie of the Pro-Creation Committee (PCC) tells SAMedia that it is only fair that the GOVT should pay for the costs of raising kids. "It's they want one mah, so they pay lah! knn the gahmen tax me so chor liao still want me to pay ah?"

Just ONE person expressed support for the GOVT. "It is a shame," said Dr Jin, shaking his head profusely. "So much for National Service, for instilling pride and loyalty to country, only for them to abandon their Nation when she needs them most."

He feels extremely disappointed in SINGAPOREANS, labelling them "MATERIALISTIC", "SELFISH", "TRAITOR", "MONEY-MINDED", "HOPELESS", "PATHETIC", "UNGRATEFUL", etc, and whatever u can think of. "Where are the people when the Nation most needs them?" Dr Jin lamented. "All excuses!"

Surprisingly, the GOVT may not be the most sore loser in this battle, for no one has expressed interest in the Seminary. This equates to the Seminaries having bear the brunt of the consequences of this procreation problem, as in the future when money incentives and other benefits grow in size, people become even more materialistic and no one will ever want to enter seclusion again.

By then, it may not be that wise a choice to hate kids.

--extracted from The SamHub Times, SAMedia Publications, dated 010604