In conjunction with the release of the CHENG WOO's new policies regarding education and procreation, an informal study revealed that the easiest most commonly used method to pick up GIRLS is to FAKE STUDYING. Contrary to popular belief that this method has long fallen out of fashion; faking studying was, is, and will still be employed effectively by thousands of students. It has withstood the demeaning trials of time and technology. SAMedia discovered that it is through this process (or excuse) of studying together that the necessary bonds form and feelings develop between the two parties involved.

SAMedia understands from Associate Professor Du Shi Shu, Director of the National Evaluation and Research Development Service (NERDS) that when GUYS and GIRLS are engaged in the process of STUDYING, up to 79.4% of the total time spent is unproductive. Prof Du indicated that nearly all of this time is wasted on taking discreet glances, fantasising at each other and discussing what to do after that. " There are just too many distractions present for either party if they were to study together," commented Prof Du. "The other party himself or herself could be the greatest distraction of all."

New Understanding Training School (NUTS), rival company of the NERDS, spoke to SAMedia over a telephone interview that gave a clearer insight on this issue. NUTS Chairman Dr Chin Chuay Chek told SAMedia that the stresses involved in studying also play a pivotal role in assisting the overall development of feelings. Dr Chin was quoted saying that "when u are all stressed up u need to do something to relieve it and the first person u'll turn to is the person supposedly studying beside u." He indicated that very often both parties are equally stressed up and hence the tendency to seek solace from each other is very high.

NUTS has been closely monitoring this issue for a fairly long period of time and were able to produce conclusive results from its research. NUTS have verified that 79.4% of the time spent in the process of studying is unproductive, agreeing in principle with NERDS that most of this time is spent facing distractions. "The other reason is that when u are studying, u are bound to come across stuffs that u do not understand," said Dr Chin. "This is when u ask the other person for help, and it won't take long for u to feel indebted towards the other person." This feeling, SAMedia learned, makes the indebted person want to give more than he receives in the future.

Researchers at SamLab Technologies Linguistics (STL) have determined another important factor that both the NUTS and NERDS overlooked. Associate Professor Toa Lam Pah, Assistant Director of STL, explained that the release of results also has a significant effect on the way the feelings develop. Prof Toa said, "When results are released, [usually] a sense of satisfaction engulfs both parties and they turn to each other again to share this happy feeling." He summarises it by indicating that such relationships develop quickly when joy, grief, stress and gratitude is closely shared between two persons.

While this process disadvantages those who are not in favour of hitting the books often, it does not completely exclude them, as a well-timed effort or two can set the atmosphere right for such sparks to fly. Prof Du made this point clear by giving SAMedia an example, citing that "an effort, whether genuine or doctored, gives the impression of desiring to work hard, and almost always gears the other party into a similar drive." He continues to add that as long as the two are engaged in the act of studying, the basic conditions for a relationship to take root have been "set right".

In fact, the CHENG WOO is already recommending and putting into place measures that require schools to trim and fine-tune the syllabus, starting right from JC then downwards. This wise move allows JC students more time to study, interact, and procreate among themselves. This interaction is critical as it largely determines what kind of activity that students could possibly engage in during study breaks. And since SEX relieves stress, and studying is forever so stressful, this could prove to be a breakthrough solution for our Nation's ever-declining birthrate. SAMedia will use this explanation to solve the mystery behind why GIRLS in NUS and NTU are able to derive so much unparalleled pleasure from studying, something which has never occurred in JC or sec sch.

-- extracted from The SamHub Times, SAMedia Publciations, dated 260804

Latest research suggested that GIRLS may have been an integral part of NS. Statistics show that GIRLS are by large the main source of morale for GUYS serving time in the SAF. Associate Professor Mai Chao Keng of SamLabs Technologies Literalistics (STL) explained to SAMedia that when a GUY is confined to a sexually deprived environment for an extended period of time of up to six days, he will lose confidence and awareness in both himself and his surroundings. Said Prof Mai, "This results in the GUY losing interest in everything that used to concern him, such as general/ current affairs and his GIRL, etc."

Prof Mai indicated that the most effective method to re-induce this lost sense is to allow the GUY to maintain constant communication with a GIRL. This is due to the fact that GIRLS are not involved in NS and are keeping constant touch with the world. However, his colleague Professor Ker Gar Ang told SAMedia that this diminished ability to keep an interest in anything else other than NS affects the performance of the GIRL tremendously. When asked to elaborate, Prof Ker said, "It makes the GUY seem so drastically lifeless. The GIRL interprets the GUY has having lost interest in any other thing in life, including herself."

SAMedia conducted a poll on 80,000 recruits and trainees based in Pulau Tekong and discovered that Professor Ker's reasoning was not entirely true. REC Tan Chia Peng explained that he wasn't lifeless. "We just try to perform our best, so that we won't get confined," reasoned REC Tan. "Knn if i kena confined then siao liao no need to see my ger ger liao." Suffer-In-Silence-Plus-Extra-Confinement (SISPEC) trainee PTE Chin Kiang Chiong explained that it was entirely an illusion that GUYS were trying to envision by feigning ignorance to their surrondings. PTE Chin commented, "When u dun think and stress so much about the things in life, time will past much faster, and very soon u realise book-out day is here again!"

"Unfortunately, this is the sad truth," Prof Ker pointed out. "That whatever method GUYS employ to kid themselves to faster freedom, their minds still becomes stagnant." This phenomenon is observed across the board for all GUYS serving NS, regardless of race, language or religion. Interestingly, Prof Mai contradicts his colleague when he pointed out to SAMedia that there is still one controversal interest that has not diminished in relation to the others. And that is, SEX. He attributes the increase in desire for SEX to the stresses encountered during the entire week in camp. "It just happens to be the most effective form of relief for them." declared Prof Mai. "Certainly better than shopping."

His declaration resonated throughout the entire gynaecologic community prompting more research to further strengthen the clinically proven phrase that "SEX relieves stress". Not surprisingly, this accreditation drew universal flak from feminist organsiations all around Singapore. Ms Kio Wah Ong, Secretary-General of the Girl Is Princess Association of Singapore (GIPAS), issued a statement earlier today that "such irresponsible action on the part of the GUY will generate sufficient basis to warrant a breakup." When interviewed, GIPAS spokeswoman Ms Heng Duo Hua said, "We GIRLS are to be respected. We are not your sex toy, and neither are we your stress reliever. We have a life and we expect that you (the GUY) acknowledge it and be concerned about it."

Meanwhile, other reports have it that all GUYS in general, other than simply serving the nation for 2.5 yrs (now 2), may have to undergo a new pre-enlistment normalisation process known as the Ditched and Unwanted Males Programme (DUMP) in addition to their NS stint. SAMedia discovered that the DUMP is formulated specially to prepare GUYS for a breakup, since this event has such a high probablity of occurring (95%) and is so imminent even before BMT. Trusted sauces say that DUMP will begin 2 weeks before enlistment and its itinerary possibly includes beer training, and lots of cold turkey treatments. DUMP is still in its pilot stage and SAMedia could not obtain more details at this stage.

--extracted from The SamHub Times, SAMedia Publications, dated 130804