Latest research suggested that GIRLS may have been an integral part of NS. Statistics show that GIRLS are by large the main source of morale for GUYS serving time in the SAF. Associate Professor Mai Chao Keng of SamLabs Technologies Literalistics (STL) explained to SAMedia that when a GUY is confined to a sexually deprived environment for an extended period of time of up to six days, he will lose confidence and awareness in both himself and his surroundings. Said Prof Mai, "This results in the GUY losing interest in everything that used to concern him, such as general/ current affairs and his GIRL, etc."

Prof Mai indicated that the most effective method to re-induce this lost sense is to allow the GUY to maintain constant communication with a GIRL. This is due to the fact that GIRLS are not involved in NS and are keeping constant touch with the world. However, his colleague Professor Ker Gar Ang told SAMedia that this diminished ability to keep an interest in anything else other than NS affects the performance of the GIRL tremendously. When asked to elaborate, Prof Ker said, "It makes the GUY seem so drastically lifeless. The GIRL interprets the GUY has having lost interest in any other thing in life, including herself."

SAMedia conducted a poll on 80,000 recruits and trainees based in Pulau Tekong and discovered that Professor Ker's reasoning was not entirely true. REC Tan Chia Peng explained that he wasn't lifeless. "We just try to perform our best, so that we won't get confined," reasoned REC Tan. "Knn if i kena confined then siao liao no need to see my ger ger liao." Suffer-In-Silence-Plus-Extra-Confinement (SISPEC) trainee PTE Chin Kiang Chiong explained that it was entirely an illusion that GUYS were trying to envision by feigning ignorance to their surrondings. PTE Chin commented, "When u dun think and stress so much about the things in life, time will past much faster, and very soon u realise book-out day is here again!"

"Unfortunately, this is the sad truth," Prof Ker pointed out. "That whatever method GUYS employ to kid themselves to faster freedom, their minds still becomes stagnant." This phenomenon is observed across the board for all GUYS serving NS, regardless of race, language or religion. Interestingly, Prof Mai contradicts his colleague when he pointed out to SAMedia that there is still one controversal interest that has not diminished in relation to the others. And that is, SEX. He attributes the increase in desire for SEX to the stresses encountered during the entire week in camp. "It just happens to be the most effective form of relief for them." declared Prof Mai. "Certainly better than shopping."

His declaration resonated throughout the entire gynaecologic community prompting more research to further strengthen the clinically proven phrase that "SEX relieves stress". Not surprisingly, this accreditation drew universal flak from feminist organsiations all around Singapore. Ms Kio Wah Ong, Secretary-General of the Girl Is Princess Association of Singapore (GIPAS), issued a statement earlier today that "such irresponsible action on the part of the GUY will generate sufficient basis to warrant a breakup." When interviewed, GIPAS spokeswoman Ms Heng Duo Hua said, "We GIRLS are to be respected. We are not your sex toy, and neither are we your stress reliever. We have a life and we expect that you (the GUY) acknowledge it and be concerned about it."

Meanwhile, other reports have it that all GUYS in general, other than simply serving the nation for 2.5 yrs (now 2), may have to undergo a new pre-enlistment normalisation process known as the Ditched and Unwanted Males Programme (DUMP) in addition to their NS stint. SAMedia discovered that the DUMP is formulated specially to prepare GUYS for a breakup, since this event has such a high probablity of occurring (95%) and is so imminent even before BMT. Trusted sauces say that DUMP will begin 2 weeks before enlistment and its itinerary possibly includes beer training, and lots of cold turkey treatments. DUMP is still in its pilot stage and SAMedia could not obtain more details at this stage.

--extracted from The SamHub Times, SAMedia Publications, dated 130804