Reports have it that a breakthrough was recently achieved in one of SamLab's intensive fields of research relating to BGR. Professor CS Chan, Chief Researcher of SamLabs, a subsidiary of SamHub Technologies, has discovered a new variable that was previously overlooked and re-formulated the equation to be:

Probability of Breakup = [ Edn² x ( $ + Lks ) ] / ( Ln³ - Age ) x 100%
Where:
Edn = Education level of the GIRL
$ = wealth of GIRL
Lks = Looks of the GIRL
Ln = Length of the relationship
Age = Age of the GIRL

This equation established that the probability of a breakup between a couple is directly proportionate to the square of the education level of the GIRL multiplied by the sum of the looks and wealth of the GIRL and further multiplied by a constant. Known as the MASCHAN constant, it is obtained by taking the reciprocal of the cube of the length of the relationship minus the age of the GIRL. Professor Chan remarked that this theory has proven to be correct by the interviewing of an exceedingly large number of GIRLS aged 15-23 and comparing their stories with one another. "This equation incorporates a new variable: the EDUCATION LEVEL of the GIRL." Prof. Chan indicated. "Previous theories and equations were unable to explain certain occurrences becos of the missing variable. The introduction of this variant will remove the mystery regarding why GIRLS run away for no apparent reason." SAMedia goes one step further to understand how the SamLabs Research Team has managed to formulate the equation by exploring this variant from a different prospective and by phasing the future possibility of it occurring into it. The logic goes that as the education level of the GIRL increases, her independence and survivablity increases at the same time. This results in a lesser extent of reliance on the GUY, which in turn boosts his redundancy, thus increases the chances of breaking up. When asked to comment about the equation, Mr Tio Zao Seh, Chairman of the WTC (Woo Tak Chek) gave SAMedia his thoughts. "Educated GIRLS are particularly malicious in this aspect. They have what it takes to be a PLAYER. The brains, the looks. And the money. The 5 'C's no longer appeal to them; becos of their education, the 5 'C's are within their grasp." Mr Tio calls them "E-GIRLS" and contends that these E-GIRLS have the wisdom that other GIRLS lack. "u cannot compare the E-GIRLS with the SPGs. They're of a totally different caliber and are definitely much smarter. At least they know that many an ANG MOH they meet in the pub is just the ordinary Tom, Dick and Harry in the streets of Highbury." He quoted an old saying that "knowledge is power" and hence this explains why the E-GIRLS are so the very powderful. Mr. Bo Sio Sim, President of the SAS puts the blame of our nation's declining birthrate on their shoulders. "Most E-GIRLS relate having KIDS early to compromising themselves. How then, can SINGAPORE rely on these E-GIRLS to tackle the ever-declining birthrate? in no time SINGAPORE will be full of FILIPEENOS, BHANGRAS and CHEENA PR." Considering that GIRLS attain their higher educational status earlier than GUYS, it turns out to be no surprise that the E-GIRLS are the ones initiating the breakup. The reason why GUYS are late runners in this E-GAME is becos they are all being taken away by the shitjob contractor (read: SAF) to do shitjob for the next 28 mths. "The E-GIRLS are very independent," says 2SG Siao Ta Por. "They have careers, their own source of income, and they live their life for themselves. That's pretty selfish." 2SG Siao has had a bad encounter with one of these E-GIRLS. He revealed that he, despite having a stable income and moderately good looks, couldnt hold onto his E-GIRL and she left him for someone else. "She just left like that. I thought we were going on very well. We even made plans to get engaged last October." He recalls. "I couldnt even talk to her, she said needed to have HER life and was having it so happeningly that she decided that it wasnt time to end HER life here with me." Professor Chan carefully analysed his situation and using the re-formulated equation calculated that 2SG Siao's relationship had 98.1562 ± 0.001 % chance of ending abruptly, which it did, anyway. LCP Hok Kien Peng said that to get into a relationship with a E-GIRL is like "surrendering ur life into her hands" becos the she will then muster total control over ur life. He describes this control to be more complete than SINGAPORE's very own Total Defence concept and often it relegates the GUY into a domestic role. Uneducated himself, LCP Hok is not within the arc of fire of many E-GIRLS. "I pretty safe lah," he says, citing all his previous experience with GIRLS to be simple and innocent. "They dun touch me cos i am strategically useless to them." In defence of the E-GIRLS, the GIPAS (Girl is Princess Association of Singapore) and GIQS (Girl Is Queen Society) jointly released a press statement that condemned the findings of SamLabs and the re-formulated equation. They staged a sit-in protest at the carpark in front of SamHub Technologies Tower A, preventing SamHub staff from parking and demanding that SamLabs be taken apart. Professor Chan retorted that the protest was plain "nonsense" and "no heed shd be paid to them". He staunchly defended his cause by making an official announcement via the carpark's PA system. "Why shd we give in?? we've given in so many times liao. This is getting out of hand. They're climbing onto our heads and peeing and shitting on them," Mr. Mai Ke Siao rebuked. "They didnt approve my USMS to mount 4 GPMGs at each corner of the Tower. See lah, now no firepower to deal with this kind of situation." When contacted, Ms Kio Wah Ong, secretary-general of the GIPAS told SAMedia that while she acknowledged that the re-formulation of this equation is indeed a tremendous breakthrough, she saw this as negative development for womankind as a whole and such progress should be halted. "It isnt fair to label all educated GIRLS as E-GIRLS. Admittedly there are some GIRLS out there who mess around with such sensitive stuffs but that doesnt warrant this treatment to all of us. This could alienate a whole lot of GUYS who could in any case end up as our LOVING husbands," Ms Kio promulgated. However, in the Official Statement that was released together in conjunction with the launch of the equation, SamLabs declared that the purpose of this equation is to aid undecided GUYS in making a wiser and more informed decision. This equation is a positive breakthrough in the fields of research of BGR as its use as a breakupmeter can act as pre-emptive system, thus preventing breakups by pre-calculating the probability of it happening beforehand. "Once our patent on the equation is legalised, we will concentrate on incorporating it into the breakupmeter." Professor Chan announced. "u shdnt get into a relationship with any GIRL if u noe that the probability of a breakup is high, as calculated in from the equation. If u get ur arsehole charred becos u ignored the warnings presented in front of u by the breakupmeter, then u deserved to be fried." As security staff are trying to no avail to disperse the growing crowd of E-GIRLS protesters in the carpark, SamLabs researchers are working overtime trying to de-construct the genetic makeup of the E-GIRL in the hope of finding a solution around it. SAMedia will be hanging around in the vicinity to bring u the latest breakthroughs and developments in and around SamHub Technologies Tower A so stay tuned.

--extracted from The SamHub Times, SAMedia Publications, dated 200304