The SamHub General Hospital (SGH) recently reported a huge surge in the number of people seeking treatment for broken balls, as well as numerous first-degree burns around the chest and thigh areas where shirt or trouser pockets can be found.

SAMedia Publications discovered that the increase in ball injuries resulted from the recent spate of Governmental ball squeezing from the announcement of more ERP gantries at Orchard Rd and the PTC approval of fare hikes. More casualties are expected to flow in for the rest of the year.

Mr Gan Nar Squee, whose right ball is now smaller than his left, told SAMedia that the Government has squeezed his balls again for the third time in three months. Said Mr Gan, "In April, the CHENG WOO squeeze my right ball when they imposed new laws regarding HDB valuation and I can't sell my flat. Then in May, my left ball kena squeeze again for writing about my displeasures on my blog. Now, my right ball kena again..."

Come July and October this year, public transport fares for adults will be raised by three cents for EZ-link card users and ten cents more will be charged for using cash, while ERP gantries will be erected at selected chokepoints surrounding Orchard Road and their operation hours elsewhere extended.

This was diagnosed to the factor that contributed largely to the fires that started in the pockets of many people, burning holes through them and the surrounding skin. Doctors at SGH termed it as the "Burning Pocket Syndrome" (BPS) and are desperately trying to produce a vaccine.

"We are appealing to the public to wear apparel that comes with no pockets," said Dr Siew Teo Chiu, a General Practitioner in SGH. "However, even that is by means no 100% guarantee against the BPS as this morning a lady was admitted for first-degree burns on her arm when her handbag apparently caught fire for no reason."

Many have thrown up their hands in disgust at the millions of dollars in profits the companies are raking in, at the same time trying to justify the fare hike by using the classical excuses that fuel costs are rising exponentially and better service will be provided to parallel the increase in fare.

However, financial advisors at the SamHub Banking Corporation (SHBC) have indicated that while fuel costs are indeed rising significantly, adding to the total cost of operations, the public transport sector must never forget their ultimate objective: To provide the general public with an affordable, complete and efficient public-transport service.

But how exactly is the term affordable to be defined? SHBC advisors pointed out that the CHENG WOO used to employ comparison techniques to impress on the public that they had been paying the cheapest prices for the best kind of service in the world. However, the CHENG WOO has introduced new methods of calculation that integrates almost every other factor that could tilt the balance.

"The new calculations show that the increase in fares will not greatly or adversely affect the average Singaporean," said Mr Bo Lam Pah. "It appears very convincing but I think that the CHENG WOO needs to come back down to earth. At the end of the day, they are not the ones utilising the public transport system."

Experts have concluded again that the numerous petitions and letters written to the press will have no bearing on the CHENG WOO's decision and are once again being proven correct. However, they do not foresee any significant change within the public transport sector, save for an increase in PR funding, courtesy of increased revenues.

Associate Professor Zhuo Bas Cher, Vice-Dean of the Faculty of Public Transportation at the National University of SamHub (NUS), told SAMedia that the current fare hike was only a small part of a master plan that the CHENG WOO has conceived [to squeeze] the people of Singapore. But when asked to comment further, Assoc Prof Zhuo declined, adding that, "If I tell you I'll have to kill you."

It is forecasted that the SGH will experience a severe shortage of balls in the months to come, and may never recover from the shortfall as more and more balls are being squeezed each day. SGH spokesperson confirmed that they're currently planning for a charity show, similar in style to the NKF shows, and a hotline has been activated for the public to call in and donate.

Kind-hearted souls like you, who are reading this right now, are encouraged to call 1900-BUY-A-BALL (1900-289-2-2255) to contribute to the Buy-A-Ball fund. Each call costs $5.25 and is inclusive of 5% GST (of which the $0.25 goes to the CHENG WOO and stays there). SGH also welcomes you to contact the SGH Ops Room if you do not have money to donate but have a ball to contribute.

--extracted from The SamHub Times, SAMedia Publications, dated 010605