GOVERNMENT TO IMPLEMENT COMPULSORY NO-UNDERWEAR POLICY FOR MALES AGED 13 - 60

In view of recent drought conditions, the Government yesterday announced during an emergency Parliamentary meeting that it'll be implementing the compulsory no-underwear policy with immediate effect. All males aged 13 - 60 affected by this measure will have to go underwear-less by 2359hrs yesterday.

Parliament Spokesperson Noh Andaweh told SAMedia Publications that this measure was taken as part of a larger project that sought to tackle the declining birthrate in Singapore. "The rising average temperature in Singapore is of grave concern to the Government," said Mr Noh. "We're concerned that the excessive heat will lower the sperm count of our citizens, thus resulting in a lower fertilty rate."

While it has been scientifically proven that sperms are in fact destroyed by excessive heat conditions, most GIRLS agree in principle that such a measure is a little too obscene. "I think that GUYS should not be allowed to go underwear-less," said Ms Jee Siao Siao, who believes that balls hanging loose could have an adverse effect on dicks standing straight. "It's got something to do with the effect of gravity," Ms Jee continued. "Something similar to saggy boobs."

Local apparel manufacturers Geodarno, U3 and Hang Yours reported that sales for baggy pants increased tenfold immediately after the policy was announced. Geodarno spokesperson commented that this was probably due to the ability of baggy pants to provide increased cover to dicks standing at sedia (attention). A sales staff at Crocodile International, who declined to be named, said that the policy had caused company shares to plummet overnight. Fears of retrenchment are rampant amid the staff at several brief-making companies.

A couple of health organisations disapproved of the measure, arguing that the resultant friction generated in that area may produce more heat than it was supposed to lose. Associate Professor Ms Teh Stee Ker of the National Association for Testicles Organisation (NATO) stated that, "while going underwear-less puts the nuts away from the body heat, the movement of loose balls generates extra heat that may otherwise be harmful to sperms". Ms Teh added, "it's better to just go bottomless than underwear-less."

Mr Noh added that despite the act being passed, laws on indecent exposure and obscenity still applies. Individuals are reminded to keep their little brothers at senang-diri (ease) position in public or face the music. The Government also announced that while similar measures will not be implemented for GIRLS at the moment, they're discouraged from exposing excessive flesh that may tempt the little brothers to come into sedia position and land the GUY into trouble.

Short spites of rain today brought temporary relief to those who have difficulty in disciplining their little brothers. The Government will be monitoring the amount of rainfall in the next few weeks and review the policy accordingly.

--extracted from The SamHub Times, SAMedia Publication, dated 270205